Yesterday was OK. I had to study for retaking that exam, which pissed me off but I really can't do summer school. I went on a walk, just to get candy but my gift card didn't have enough, so I took a thing off my purchase and then the cashier said that my card didn't have anything, which really pissed me off but Z told me to drop it so I just shrugged and walked away, I only lost like two dollars but it's still annoying. I ended up scouring my room for cash and found enough money, but because of my defeat at the last Walgreens I had to walk down to the second closest Walgreeens, I checked out a thrift store in that area, they had a disc carosel and a DVD player but I didn't have 18$ on hand. Almost bought a copy of Chicago on VHS. I only have a series of astronomy lectures, the live action Flintstones movie and some of the Pokemon anime on VHS so it'd be cool to have another tape. Got home, more math, doomscrolled, watched Primer, ate dinner, talked to friends via Discord. I only like like two of them. Z says I should be nice to them because I probably annoy them too. They're good people but they're people. I told PSY-SR that I like people back on monday. That they just make me angry. That I have friends and I like them. But I think I was wrong, I think I like my friends in spite of their humanity, not because nor with it. I can count the people I like on one hand V, U, sister, mom, dad(Not counting internet people or Z). It sheds though, if I get too close to people like V and U I can see their humanity more and I can't be arround them, that's how it is with V. V is very human, but a lot like me. U is not much of a problem, I don't have to worry about getting close to her. Is it normal to scan your surroundings for security cameras all of the time. I told PSY-G that I don't like cameras, that they're almost as bad as people. I wonder what that told her. Maybe it's normal. I want there to be a name for whatever I have going on. I was looking at personality disorders online, I kind of mirror AvPD, but I don't like self diagnosis.
I have to go to church. Z is supprisingly ambivilent on the topic but I don't like it. I have to leave halfway through and then come back for communion. So many people. So many children. Big cameras at the top broadcasting everything. Fucking horrible. But I don't want to be FMY-M, I cannot be FMY-M. Plus I get cookies at the end. That's pretty good. I like that. FMY-J doesn't want to talk to me about movies. Sad. I don't know why. I guess I just have to talk to V. V's cool. FMY-J says that V's family is good to talk about movies with.
Went to church, kept overheating, lasted till communion though. But had to sit outside through the lady homily-but-not-technically-homily though. We went home. I did some math, then I ate some nachos and headed outside, took the bus down to the neighborhood I wanted to go to. Checked out their Goodwill but FMY-M called so I talked to her outside, sat on the nearby mall's steps. We talked about Animorphs and Property Brothers and the board games we played as kids. I miss her. I frequently wonder what it'd be like if she never had to be institutionalized at all. I think I'd be a much more normal person. It's hard to explain how much having the person who you were inextricably linked to taken away as a child fucks you up. That's the good thing about Z. He won't leave until I die.
Yesterday was a blur woke up, took a shower, ate pancakes, went to school. I hate first period. ClS-J is a fucking horrible creature. I don't like looking at him. I play solitaire the entire class with my hair in my face so I can block him from my vision. I got chex mix in my shoes. It's still there. I think everybody hates me. I think they're just coming up with ways to avoid me. It's OK. I do not need them. I have Z. Uhh today was fine. I didn't do much. Didnt miss any classes. The trick to doing that is being completely spaced out all day. I just put on a podcast to feed the thinking part of my brain and then do everything off instinct. Which sucks but that's what works. I can't wait for summer when I can actually think.
A few things have happened but no matter, let me talk about the little things. Specifically this image:
When I was a little kid I wanted so badly to go into the art all around me, I wanted to see what the castle in the distance drawn into my illustrated book of fairytales looked like up close, I wanted to see the world shift and warp like the puzzle on our living room table, hell I even wanted to go into the theme park from that one episode of Dragon Tales despite hating theme parks with my entire soul. I grew out of it. But this image I still feel it with, I'm almost positive I got it from some place for liminal spaces but the thing about it is that it doesn't feel like a place I've been before, it feels like a place I desperately want to and will end up in. And from just the image I know exactly my emotional state at the time, the vague idea of why I'm there, what the proceding day was like. All this and more.
Otherwise, nothing interesting 'cept the IEP stuff which is pretty boring. I have a fucked up brain, I get it, I've been talking about a dude who doesn't exist throughout this entire diary-thing. Uhh I've watched Forgiving Jeff at least five times since it came out. I love Barry a lot. I've got to finish my fan page before episode 2("Limonada") comes out. I was going to ramble about it here but I figure should just finish the page.
I've been thinking about how everyone's connected. I know somebody who knows somebody who knows all the Avians. I mean it's less direct than that but you get it. I've been thinking about how each of us makes at least one choice in our lives that effects them in a noticable way. Not in a way where they'd know it was you at the other end of the miles-long chain reaction, but just that you reached them. That you reached them and they thought 'Huh. That's annoying.' Or 'What a cool coincidence!'. That's a comforting thought. That if I throw a rock at a car a month later that might make it hard for AVI-C2 to buy the specific shirt he was looking for. Fuck him anyways. He's rich! He doesn't need more shirts.
It's been a while huh. Happy halloween. I reread the old entries on here and I just want to be clear this isn't a creepypasta thing or anything it's just a journal, it's kind of unclear because I talk about Z kinda weird but that's because I'm weird I'm a weirdo I don't fit in I don't want to fit in have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on it's weird.
Anyways. Today I woke up, showered, ate a muffin, medicated my bird and went to school. School's been wayy better since I tranferred. I only had one class today: media arts. I just recorded a podcast with the teacher and a student. The teacher talked about plane crashes the whole time. Z fucking hates that guy. I'm ambivilent on him. Yes I'm using the new definition of ambivilent. No double book keeping going on here. Then I went home. I had a salad and just kind of hung around in my room. Then I went on a walk. A thing I should talk about is this weird nostalgia deja-vu thing I've been having. When the light hits some of these buildings I feel like I'm seeing them how they were forty years ago, and this is a prevailing feeling it's been seeping into my life and making everything kind of fuzzy and memory-like. Z says it's because in a past life I was an accountant in 1982. Hahahah very funy. I walked around my favorite neighborhood and I got to see COM-O which was nice. Plus my current favorite building who looked great in the late afternoon light. And then I just kind of wandered around killing time because my parents were in couples counseling. And then I got on the bus and went home. I passed out candy with my mom. Not a lot of people showed up which was fine. And then we went out to dinner! I haven't eaten in a restaraunt without having at least one panic attack in a while but I'm proud to say I did it! The food was good, that's the place I always want to go when we eat out, no suprises. Then we went home, watched Neilcic's stream and now I'm here. It's the end of the trimester and I have not done any work! Which is a concern. I just have to make time for it, it's easy as hell but I am lazy.